The Infection in my Heart

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10 (ESV)

A few years ago, my step-daughter wrote a song, "Nasty Scab".  In her song she speaks about a hurt caused by someone in her past, and how every time she thinks of that person it’s just like ripping off a nasty scab – an infection that never seems to heal – one that causes pain every time it’s touched.  I love the simple depth of her lyrics, and think most of us can probably relate.

When we fail to deal with a hurt from our past, it leads to an infection in our heart - sometimes, we don’t even know it’s there.  For me, the hurt caused by a person in my past was buried so deep, I didn’t even know its manifestation was preventing me from experiencing life.  I had just sealed off that part of my heart – that part of my soul – and refused to let it ever breathe again. 

It’s not difficult to live that way – almost all of us to do it to some extent.  Once we’ve been hurt, we learn to keep people at a safe distance.  We don’t allow anyone too close – especially anyone who might have the potential to hurt us that way again.  Sometimes, there are moments when we think we might feel something – something that reminds us that we are not fully alive – that there’s more we could be experiencing – more we could be feeling.  More we could be living. 

But out of fear, we ignore the urge to seek recovery, and instead push the “something” far from our thoughts and continue partially living in a phony existence, while the hurt festers in our soul.

I was this girl.

What I didn’t realize, was that by ignoring my need for healing, I was preventing myself from living. I didn’t realize that the part of my heart that was sealed off from feeling hurt again, was also sealed off from feeling love again.  There was no way for love to come in, because there was no way for the infection to come out.

In fact, the only way to get the infection out was to open the wound again…

Through a series of events, God allowed the abscess in my heart to swell and finally expel the hurt that was buried so deep in my soul.  I would be lying to you if I said it was not painful.  It was excruciating.  But my gentle Surgeon was patient and understanding.  He stayed with me, and held my hand and wiped my tears, as He tenderly washed away the painful memories that tainted my heart. 

God knew something I didn’t.  He knew I would not be able to live completely, until I could love completely.

It was impossible for me to love God and others with my whole heart, because my whole heart wasn’t available.  Part of it had been closed up and sealed off.  I was in desperate need of open heart surgery.  Light needed to be shed in that dark spot, so God could wash away all of the broken debris that was littering my heart.  Once the wound was open and everything was out, it didn’t ache anymore.  The pain was gone.

For the first time in a very long time, I could feel again.  I could feel everything.  It was real.  I could feel love and I could feel sorrow, but it didn’t matter because all of it meant that I was alive!  I was completely alive.  I could love God with all my heart, and all my soul, and all my strength because I was whole.

That was several years ago.  My wound is not gone – but healed. A scar now resides in its place.  Like most scars, it has faded with time, but it will never go away completely.  I’m okay with that though because that particular scar changed my life…completely.   

Dearest Father,

You are the Master Surgeon, the One who heals all wounds.  Your hand is gentle and steady and trustworthy.  Thank you for performing surgeries that our hearts so often need.  Please help us to look at our scars with gratitude -  that you would love us enough to rescue us and restore us. Please help us to trust you more, so that we may live our whole life more completely.

In Your Most Precious and Holy Name,

Amen

The Council That Counsels

“Without good direction, people lose their way;
the more wise counsel you follow, the better your chances.” Proverbs 11:14 (The Message)

Although the response from them may not always make you comfortable, and sometimes you wish they hadn’t opened their big mouth at all, there is nothing more valuable than a group of godly friends from whom you can seek advice.

There are a few friends I have that are my “Council”.  Most of those beautiful ladies are in my Life Group.  Every Thursday night we gather under one roof (with the most amazing hostess!) and we share our experiences of life together. But more than “share”, we do life together.  These are the ones who know most things about us that others do not…and love us anyway.  These are the ones that possess the courage to tell us when we are wrong, when others would cower away.  These are the ones that are more than friends…they are family.

Last night, was unofficially “Ladies’ Night” (unofficially, because it wasn’t planned, but just happened out that way), but I think God had that night planned just for us – sorry guys, but I think it’s true!  I myself was in a foul mood for no reason at all (anyone with me?), another one of us had just experienced a mini-tidal wave in her basement, another sister was being held captive by the clutches of life’s anxieties, and another was faced with the challenges of where to go when a chapter of life closes, and I’m sure my other sisters there also had trials they were facing.  And yet we were all there.   Doing this thing called life together.

I cannot tell you the peace that comes from knowing you have a group of friends you can trust – I’m afraid that is something that can only come from experiencing it yourself.  But to know you have a place where you can go to just be yourself – broken and sinful – and still be accepted, must be the closest thing to Jesus’ embrace that we can feel on this side of heaven. And I can tell you, too, I don’t doubt at all Who was responsible for putting our little Ohana Group together.  There is such a wonderful blend of wisdom, patience, and love between all of us, I know it could have only been orchestrated by The One Who Loves us more.

C. S. Lewis states, “The next best thing to being wise oneself is to live in a circle of those who are.”  The brother knew what he was talking about.  The ESV says, “Where there is no guidance, a people falls, but in an abundance of counselors there is safety.”  I am not wise by any means, but I know how to recognize the Spirit of God and the safety of His Council.  And He is certainly reigning in the hearts of these amazing people.  I would be lost without them. 

Dear Heavenly Father,

I thank you so much for this wonderful group of people.  Thank you for orchestrating our group and allowing us to share this season of life together.  Please keep your hand and Spirit upon us.  Thank you for hearing my prayer.
In Your Name,
Amen

"When I Don't Understand" by Kimi Miller

“Have you never heard?
Have you never understood?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary.
No one can measure the depths of his understanding.” Isaiah 40:28

Last night Nathan, my twelve year old son, was talking to me about what he learned in youth group.  He said they were talking about seasons in your life when you are close to God, and when you not.  On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the closest you could be, Nathan thought he was probably an 8.  My heart bubbled over with joy.  I couldn’t decide if I was more excited that Nathan felt close to God, or that he was sharing it with me! 

Not trying to ruin this mother-son bonding moment, all I could tell him was to continue staying as close to God as he could, because the minute he starts walking away is when he’ll start to make some really dumb decisions.  He went on to tell me that sometimes he blames God for bad things, like when his aunt’s dog, Winnie, died, but he knew God had a reason.  He just didn’t understand why or what it would be.  Oh, my Nathan.  If I could share with you the times I, too, have been there – asking God why. 

MercyMe has a new song (I’m sure you’ve heard it), The Hurt and The Healer. In the first verse of the song Bart sings, “Why?  The question that is never far away. But healing doesn’t come from the explained.”  Sometimes it’s too difficult for us to even comprehend the why or the how of things, but healing must come from somewhere.  Could it be that it is found in the peace of knowing our God is sovereign – that even though we may never understand, He does?

I’ve heard it often said that God is more concerned with the condition of our hearts, than our comfort.  I think this is true.  God wants our hearts soft to him.  He wants us to trust him completely.  Even if there are times when we walk away from him, though we may change, God never does.  He is the same as he was…and is…always.  He is the everlasting God.  The One True Living God!

No matter where we are in our lives – whether we are a 1 or an 8 – God is not ever as far away as He might seem.  If we reverse the scale to measure how close God is to us, He will always be a constant 10 – closer to us than we can ever imagine – even in the times when we don’t understand the how or the why. 

I have found that the greatest peace comes from letting go of my need to know why by trusting my need for the One who knows the why.    

Dear God,

Thank you for the moments that cause us to ask why.  But even more, thank you for the “why” that leads us to You.  Please help us to remember that even when things don’t seem to make sense to us, they make perfect sense to you.  Our ways are not your ways, our thoughts are not your thoughts.  Jesus, please help us to keep our eyes on you, and challenge us to draw nearer to you – especially when we think we might be a “10”.  Thank you for your sovereignty, your mercy, and your grace. I thank you most for your love.
In the most precious name I know,
Amen

Jack Attack

“There are different kinds of spiritual gifts, but the same Spirit is the source of them all. There are different kinds of service, but we serve the same Lord.  God works in different ways, but it is the same God who does the work in all of us.” 1 Corinthians 12:4-6

Last January, I had puppy fever.  I wanted a puppy, but I didn’t really want to train a puppy, or get up with a puppy…so being the clever wife I am, I bought the kind of puppy my husband always wanted – a blue heeler.  Now, we don’t live on a farm, and we don’t have any cows.  We live in the suburbs with our two boys, 11 year old rat terrier/schnauzer mix, and our fat 9-year old yellow lab (who could possibly be mistaken for a cow if one squinted his eyes just right…).  Somehow acquiring another dog that required 2-3 hours of vigorous exercise made perfect sense at the time; looking back, I should have bought a hamster. 

Either way, Jack (the puppy) is the reason we go for a walk every morning at 5:00 a.m., the reason we go for a walk every night at 5:00 p.m., and the reason we visit the dog park at least 2 times a week.  When we don’t “exercise” Jack, his frustration causes him to become very “nippy”.  You see, our Australian Cattle Dog (or as I like to call him, “AuCaDo”) is a purebred blue heeler (without papers <smile>) straight from the farm, designed to herd cows (or sheep, or any other living thing on four – or two – legs…), so it is in his blood to “work”.  He has an internal “drive” that pushes him to pursue his purpose – like a race horse behind the gate, or a rodeo bull behind a pen – Jack longs to release this “fire” in his soul.  When Jack can’t do what he was designed for, the “Jack Attack” is in full force and he becomes very squirrely indeed.

This last month for me has been very hectic, and I’ve noticed that I, too, have become frustrated.  Perhaps my agitation comes from not being allowed to do what my heart desires. From not being able to release that “fire” in my soul.  

That “drive” for me, is reflecting and writing on God’s Word.  This is my gift.  This is what everything in my heart tells me I’m here to do.  When I’m not able to write, this pent up energy inside me begins to drive me a little crazy, and like Jack, I too become a little nippy and squirrely. 

But what if we are all like that?  What if we all have a fire in our soul – a gift or service that God has placed into our hearts – that if we don’t release makes us feel as if we will burst until we do? Perhaps this is the discontentment that pushes us to explore different things, searching for the purpose of our gifts.  Maybe this is what leads us to God. 

Here is the translation from The Message (v 4-11): “God's various gifts are handed out everywhere; but they all originate in God's Spirit. God's various ministries are carried out everywhere; but they all originate in God's Spirit. God's various expressions of power are in action everywhere; but God himself is behind it all. Each person is given something to do that shows who God is: Everyone gets in on it, everyone benefits. All kinds of things are handed out by the Spirit, and to all kinds of people! The variety is wonderful: wise counsel, clear understanding, simple trust, healing the sick, miraculous acts, proclamation, distinguishing between spirits, tongues, interpretation of tongues. All these gifts have a common origin, but are handed out one by one by the one Spirit of God. He decides who gets what, and when.”

He decides who gets what, and when.

We are all given a gift.  And we were all designed for such a time as this.  Right here and right now!  It’s not fair to the world to stuff our gifts and our passion so deep down inside ourselves that the only thing we end up doing is “nipping” at others, because we’re not doing what we were made to do.  We were made to worship the One True God, and He’s given us everything we need to do so.  

Dear Father,

Thank you for the many gifts you’ve given us.  Please help us to recognize those gifts and your purpose for them in our lives.  Give us clear vision and wisdom to use our abilities to further your kingdom, and keep us from nipping at others.
In Your Name,
Amen