Rest

”God, my shepherd! I don't need a thing. You have bedded me down in lush meadows,
you find me quiet pools to drink from. True to your word, you let me catch my breath
and send me in the right direction.”                                       Psalm 23:1-3 (The Message)

How many times do I run myself ragged trying to accomplish everything I’ve added to my list of to-do’s, only to come to the end of the day emotionally and physically exhausted with the realization I’m going to do the same thing again tomorrow?  How many times do I commit myself to things that nag for my attention, but really aren’t important, and then find myself coming up short when it’s time to attend to the things that are?

I’d hit a wall.  Physically, emotionally, mentally…I just could not keep up.  Whether I wanted to or not, it was time to rest.  I knew I couldn’t quit or walk away from my commitments, but I needed to set some boundaries and find some time in my schedule for me.  With my husband’s retirement coming up, and summer break beginning for the kids, I made a commitment to not make any commitments for one month.  As I write this today, there are only two days left in my month of “commitment-free living”.

I wish I could tell you in this brief message all that God has revealed to my heart.  I wish I could share with you the quiet moments I heard the Holy Spirit’s whisper and the refreshing moments when I could feel Jesus’ smile.  I wish (selfishly) I could bottle up all those moments and swallow a dose of them when I’ve exhausted myself again, because I’m afraid that in this world, I might be swept away again in the chaos and confusion of the things that pull for my attention.

But the words above - particularly this version from The Message – reveal to me what the Good Shepherd desires for my soul.  He makes me lie down in lush meadows – so that what I need is not far away.  He finds me quiet pools to drink from – so that my thirst is quenched, and my soul restored. He allows me to catch my breath – He stands guard, so I may rest with peace.  He sends me in the right direction – for He knows the path I should take.

It’s not difficult to understand what God wants for you, but sometimes it is difficult to see it – especially when we don’t set aside the time to look for it.  I think that is really what this last month has given me.  I’ve had a chance to catch my breath, to see clearly the path God has set before me, and to find the rest my soul has been craving – rest that can only be found in the One who fully restores.

Dear Father,

Thank you for rest.  Please forgive me for the times I try to do more than I should.  Please help me to see how much more I can accomplish for your kingdom when my soul is restored. Watch over me, and those I love, so we can start anew and be obedient to Your will.
In Your Holy Name,
Amen

Does it hurt?

“Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope.” Romans 5:3-4

                “Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse for he was always truthful.  “When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.” 

                                                                (from The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams)

I was disgruntled with God.  He was pulling on my heart and revealing things to me that needed to change – things about myself, mainly my “trust” issue.  It wasn’t that I didn’t trust a few folks, it was that I didn’t trust anyone. 

I had been hurt so many times by people, that I just started to adopt my own philosophy that “people suck”.  Every time I allowed someone to get close to me, they let me down.  And every time that happened, it seemed the fall was steeper and more painful.   So, slowly I began to build walls around my heart.  I became very good at keeping people at arm’s length, never that close again – not close enough to hurt me anyway. 

But as we all have heard, and maybe experienced, the problem with a wall is that nothing can get in – which is often what we want – but also, nothing can get out.  It makes it very difficult to love someone else, when you don’t feel loved yourself.  We can go through the motions, and do it well enough to convince ourselves – and maybe others – that we are real, but when the façade falls off, it’s a very lonely and vulnerable place. 

And that’s where God wanted me to be.

So began my argument with God.  “But God, I’ve been down that road, and we all know how it ends up.  I trust, they leave, and I am broken. “

“Trust Me,” God would say.

“But God, how do I know it’s not going to happen again?  How do I know that I’m not going to feel all that pain all over again?  Nope. Not this time, no.”

“Kimi, I love you.  Trust Me,” patiently God would reply.

This went on for quite some time, and God’s response was always the same. Trust Me.  A very dear friend of mine shared this insight with me, “God is asking me to trust Him and love people.”  It took some time to digest this new bit of information, and I couldn’t fully appreciate how simple and how much easier this philosophy was to adopt than my previous one. 

 

So, slowly, one brick at a time, God and I are taking down the wall.  And I am beginning to see how all of my heartache and pain – it all draws me closer to the only one who can make me whole.  I see Him working in my heart and shaping me into a vessel He can use.  I go back through pages and pages of confessions and revelations in my journal to see how He has developed my character.  It’s not an easy path, and too many times I act like a toddler throwing a fit, but Jesus patiently waits and eventually, I give in.  Sometimes it’s more difficult than I want to admit, and sometimes it’s painful.  But, “when you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for never leaving my side.  Thank you for knowing what I need, even when I don’t.  Please continue to nudge at my heart and reveal to me things I need to surrender.   Help me to trust You more, so I can share Your love with others.
All this I ask in your Holy Name,
Amen

What is real?

“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” James 1:12

“What is real?” asked the Rabbit… “Does it happen all at once like being wound up,” he asked, “or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become.  It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily…”

My most favorite story of all time is The Velveteen Rabbit, by Margery Williams.  I’m sure my mom read me lots of stories growing up, but this one is still my favorite.  I love the long insightful talks the Rabbit shares with the Skin Horse – especially about becoming real.  Perhaps because it’s been something I myself have struggled with for so long.

I wonder if anyone else ever struggles with who they are.  Like if they could just be this, or act like that, then…then finally they would “feel” real.  I know that’s how I felt.  I just wanted to be me, but at the same time, not be “me” at all.  And I wanted it to happen instantly – all at once like being wound up.

Oh, I got wound up alright, but unfortunately, I got wound up about all the wrong things.  And most times when that happens, it’s easier to get caught up in things you had no business in anyway.  And it seems the more you get caught up in things, the more difficult it becomes to keep up with everything, and somehow everything appears to be more manageable if you just fake it.  Like a toy that winds up and goes through the motions, but in the end you discover it couldn’t do things by itself, and it wasn’t real at all. 

If only I’d remembered the wise old Skin Horse’s response to the Rabbit.  “It doesn’t happen all at once. You become.”  I guess it’s taken me this long to figure that out.  It’s a hard thing sometimes, to be at peace with who you are – to fully accept that maybe you are just as God designed you to be, but that He just isn’t finished with you yet.  And that’s okay.  Life isn’t about the instant.  Maybe God is writing a story, a story that demonstrates His love for us.

“Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him,” James 1:12.  Life is not easy.  But when you take off the mask of pretending and trust that God will walk with you on this journey, then you become. That’s why, “it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily…”  

Dear Heavenly Father,

Thank you for continuing your work in my heart and in my life.  Thank you for helping me to become real.  I know, as do you, that this has not been an easy journey for me.  But please continue to walk with me and reveal to me those things that keep me from living life to the fullest.  Please don’t ever leave me, for you truly are the only REAL One that matters.

I love you.

Amen

That's the Way Love Grows

“Jesus replied, ‘The most important commandment is this: ‘Listen, O Israel! The Lord our God is the one and only Lord. And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’ The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.” Mark 12:29-31

You must love the Lord your God with all your heart…   

It sounds easy enough, doesn’t it?  We can easily convince ourselves that we love God with all our heart, and we can do a fairly decent job of it.  It’s often not until we face the reality of loving our neighbor freely that we realize our capability to truly love another being is not within our own control. Loving ourselves is easy – innate, natural.  But loving others…that does not come as naturally.  You see, in order to love thy neighbor as thyself, you have to love God first. 

 

And loving God, while it sounds easy, is sometimes difficult for us.  We can confess with our mouths that we love our God, and we can show others we love God with our acts.  But God looks at the heart.  He doesn’t want our “show” or our “promises”….He wants our heart – our WHOLE heart.  When we harbor anger, malice, hate, and even hurt in our heart, those spaces are “full” and we can’t allow God in – or out.  How can we show others what Love looks like, when there is no room for it in our own heart? 

 

In order for God to have your whole heart and to fill it completely, certain things have to come out.  This is the “open-heart surgery” that all of us need.  Fortunately, God is the Master Surgeon!  With precision and care, He removes the “dark” spots in our hearts, and fills them with His light.  He wraps us in His love and cares for us better than any nurse ever could.  His prescription for recovery? Time in His Word. 

Every day the Savior desires to meet with you.  He wants a true relationship with you – the kind of relationship that builds with time.  The kind of relationship where it’s okay to be yourself – to cry when you need to, to laugh when you can, and to just enjoy the other’s company. Spending time with Him and His Word will help to grow and nurture that relationship…daily. That’s how love grows.

Dear Dad,

Sometimes it’s hard for me to confess to you the “dark” spots in my heart.  I think it’s more because I’m embarrassed that they are even there.  I understand that those spots take up space in my heart – space that could and should be filled by you.  Please, Father, reveal to me those areas I need to surrender to you, so you can begin the surgery my heart so desperately needs to live.  And Dad, when I find myself in those moments where it’s difficult to love someone else, can you please do it for me?  Thank you for always hearing my prayer,

Amen.

Pretty Little Toes

“But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be.”
1 Cor. 12:18

     I have never liked my feet.  My pinkie toenail is too small and my second toe is longer than the first big toe.  They just aren’t pretty.  I always wanted to have pretty feet - ones that angled perfectly from big toe to pinkie toe – with perfect sized toenails on each one! 

     Of course, I soon learned that if I painted my toenails, my feet didn’t look that bad, and if that didn’t work, I could always cover them up with shoes.

    But how often do we do that?  We find something about ourselves we don’t like and we try to cover it up.  We throw a little paint on it or cover it with something, hoping to disguise it enough so it appeals to us – and others.  And for a while it works, but often times, our makeshift cover-up starts to chip or tear, and our “ugliness” is exposed again – naked and bare for the world to see. 

     I’m ashamed to admit the times I try to cover-up the things I don’t like about myself – I speak too loudly, I laugh at the wrong moment, and too many times, I put my ugly foot in my mouth – painted toenails and all!  As a result, I’ve tried desperately to suppress my personality – to become less of myself, and just blend in with the world.  But the more I tried to hide myself, the more difficult it became to be just me.   

     Paul writes about the church in comparison to the body.  He explains that just as one body has many parts, so does the church.  You see, God never intended us to all be the same.  He designed each of us uniquely by His own hand, with a purpose and a plan – just as he wanted us to be.

     I find comfort in knowing God made me the way He wanted me to be.  There’s humility in understanding the depth of thought He put into you and your design.  He didn’t miss any detail from the hair on my head to the tiny nail on my toe.  I am as He intended me to be.

Dear Father,

Thank you for thinking of me.  Thank you for your intricate design and purpose in my life.  Please help me to accept those things about myself that maybe I’m still not “okay” with.  Help me to see that You designed me perfectly to do Your will and that when you look at me, you see pretty.  :)

In Your Name,

Amen

    

The Pursuit

“But you, man of God, flee from all this, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness.”  1 Tim. 6:11

A short while ago, I got caught up in a search for our “forever” (retirement) home.  My husband had recently retired from the military, and I was anxious for something permanent.  Now mind you, we have lived in the same town for the past eleven years, and the same house for the last five of those years.  It wasn’t that I didn’t like our current home, on the contrary, aside from our lousy kitchen (and I mean lousy), our home was that…home. 

     For whatever reason one day, I decided to search the internet for our “dream” home…and I found it.  It was really a beautiful home, and still in the price range of what we could afford – without stretching our dollars.  My ever faithful husband, politely followed along as I made plans to look at the home, and have the realtor complete a market assessment on ours.  After evaluating everything, we could have made “the move”, but something – someone – inside of me simply said, “wait.” 

     You see, all the while, as I was searching and planning, I had this inkling that I really didn’t need a new home.  And the problem with this is that when you want something, but in your heart know you don’t need it, you go through some internal turmoil.  You begin to make excuses as to why you “deserve” it, and you look for ways to justify your actions.  Suddenly, you begin chasing after things, that in the end, don’t matter in the grand scheme of life. 

     Please don’t get me wrong, I am not against having nice things – when you can afford them – but something changes inside us when we pursue “niceties” over necessities.  When we start dreaming and scheming of ways to a better life, we miss the opportunity of the best life in front of us.  God reminds us – daily – that He is aware of our needs and that He will provide for us.  We’re are the ones that often fail to see His daily provisions. 

     As I fell on this verse today, I realized how often God calls us to seek HIM.  To run after Him.  To desire Him, above all else.  Pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, endurance and gentleness.  I am personally drawn to the word “endurance” – patience, stamina, continued existence.  God encourages us to pursue endurance.  “Stay with Me.” He cheers us on in this race of life.  We are the ones that must determine what – Who – it is we are racing for.

Dear Father,

Thank you for your constant presence.  Thank you, Holy Spirit, for your words of wisdom whispered to my soul.  You help me to see what is important and how you provide.  Please help me to flee from those things that appeal to the eyes and deceive the heart.  Keep my eyes on You, and guide my steps so others may see what matters… Your presence in my life.

In Your Holy Name,

Amen

The Lord Is With You...Always

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged.” Deuteronomy 31:8

I love this verse!   I have always had a lack of trust in people – most likely due to my past.  A fear that people would leave me alone.  In a natural “survival” mode, I would not allow people to get close.  I kept my heart guarded, so they wouldn’t know too much about me and wouldn’t be able to leave – not if I pushed them away first. 

 

God has helped me to realize all of this.  And the cool thing was, it didn’t hurt or scare me, it was as if He opened my eyes to a wound that he wanted to heal.  He is the master surgeon.  I had a choice. If I left the wound bandaged and covered up, most likely it would fester with infection and begin to affect my whole body – my whole life.  But to reveal it to him, to allow him an opportunity to look at the sore and clean it, and truly heal it – that is where the healing begins.  In order to do that, I had to trust that God would to what he said he would. 

 

Notice in the verse above what he says.  He says ‘he will’.  Not that he “might” or “when he feels like it” or “maybe”.  He says he will.  There is incredible peace in trusting that God will do what he says he will.  He WILL be with you. He WILL never leave you nor forsake you.  Always and never.  The beginning and the end.  From before time and after.  As far as the east is from the west.  That is the power and strength and ABILITY of our God.  Do you trust him?