“Does it hurt?” asked the
Rabbit.
“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse for he
was always truthful. “When you are Real
you don’t mind being hurt.”
(from
The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery
Williams)
I was disgruntled with God.
He was pulling on my heart and revealing things to me that needed to
change – things about myself, mainly my “trust” issue. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust a few folks, it
was that I didn’t trust anyone.
I had been hurt so many times by people, that I just started
to adopt my own philosophy that “people suck”.
Every time I allowed someone to get close to me, they let me down. And every time that happened, it seemed the
fall was steeper and more painful. So, slowly I began to build walls around my
heart. I became very good at keeping
people at arm’s length, never that close again – not close enough to hurt me
anyway.
But as we all have heard, and maybe experienced, the problem
with a wall is that nothing can get in – which is often what we want – but also,
nothing can get out. It makes it very
difficult to love someone else, when you don’t feel loved yourself. We can go through the motions, and do it well
enough to convince ourselves – and maybe others – that we are real, but when the
façade falls off, it’s a very lonely and vulnerable place.
And that’s where God wanted me to be.
So began my argument with God. “But God, I’ve been down that road, and we
all know how it ends up. I trust, they
leave, and I am broken. “
“Trust Me,” God would say.
“But God, how do I know it’s not going to happen again? How do I know that I’m not going to feel all
that pain all over again? Nope. Not this
time, no.”
“Kimi, I love you.
Trust Me,” patiently God would reply.
This went on for quite some time, and God’s response was
always the same. Trust Me. A very dear
friend of mine shared this insight with me, “God is asking me to trust Him and
love people.” It took some time to
digest this new bit of information, and I couldn’t fully appreciate how simple
and how much easier this philosophy was to adopt than my previous one.
So, slowly, one brick at a time, God and I are taking down
the wall. And I am beginning to see how
all of my heartache and pain – it all draws me closer to the only one who can make
me whole. I see Him working in my heart
and shaping me into a vessel He can use.
I go back through pages and pages of confessions and revelations in my journal
to see how He has developed my character.
It’s not an easy path, and too many times I act like a toddler throwing a
fit, but Jesus patiently waits and eventually, I give in. Sometimes it’s more difficult than I want to
admit, and sometimes it’s painful. But, “when
you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”
Dear Jesus,
Thank you for never
leaving my side. Thank you for knowing
what I need, even when I don’t. Please
continue to nudge at my heart and reveal to me things I need to surrender. Help me to trust You more, so I can share
Your love with others.All this I ask in your Holy Name,
Amen
love you :)
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