I’d done it again. I’d opened my big mouth without using my “filter” and hurtful words spewed forth. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I know no man can control the tongue… but really? Again? Ugh.
And that’s how I felt…ugh. What made it even worse was that my nine year old son, not only noticed, but called me out on it! That took me straight past “double-ugh” to “ugh-ly”. And then that feeling just lingered. It stuck with me through most of the next morning, too.
And what really bothered me, was that I couldn’t take it back. I couldn’t “un-say” what had been said or call a mulligan. What was done was done.
I tried to shrug it off as one of those, “Well, it happens” moments, but it continued to nag at me. I couldn’t ignore it anymore; it was time to deal with it.
Yesterday, I wrote about forgiving others, because I think (or at least hope I’m not alone in thinking) most people do struggle with that. But how many of us struggle with forgiving ourselves? How many of us continue to hold onto the garbage from our past to the point we miss out on the “presents” of today? How many of us choose to be losers?
David writes, “As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.” Most of us believe that…well, at least we believe that for others. But why do we often refuse to believe that God can do that for us…personally?
Or maybe it’s just me? Maybe I am the one with the pride issue.
Maybe I’m the only one who wallows in my sin, choosing to believe the enemy’s lies that I cannot be forgiven. Maybe I’m the one choosing to lose out on God’s mercy because I think I’m the one that grace cannot reach. Maybe I am the loser…because I choose to be.
Christ died for you. And Christ died for me. He willingly and obediently shed His blood for the sins He knew I would commit – whether I want to admit them or not. Sometimes we feel we’ve fallen so far, it’s hard to believe our sins can be forgiven – let alone removed from us as far as the sunrise is from the sunset. But who are we to say what God can and cannot do?
And yet…here I am again. Sitting in that place with which I’ve become too familiar; all the while, choosing to lose out on the best things God has planned for me, because I’m too stubborn to admit that I messed up…again. Frustrated with myself, and trying to imagine how disappointed He must be with me, too.
But then I remember what all these years as a loser have taught me. I am never too far from God that His hand cannot reach down and pick me up when I’ve fallen, rescue me when I’m trapped, or hold me when I’m broken. There is nothing that can snatch me from His hand. And when I remember that, then, then, I truly am the loser…the “has-been”. Because in His hand, I lose my embarrassment, my shame, my guilt, my “ugh-liness”…my sin. Confessed before Christ, they become removed from me as far as the east is from the west. And if that’s what it means to know Him and His love, then that is the kind of “loser” I want to be.
Dear Jesus,Thank You for loving me enough to die in my place. Please forgive me for the sins I have committed and the ones I (gulp) have yet to commit. Help me to remember Your love, and accept the Truth – that Your grace can reach a wretch like me.
I ask this in Your Holy Name,